Kenneth A. Larson - General Site
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This general site is just for fun.
Kenneth A. Larson has a quarter century of experience in design and construction of scenery for the Entertainment Industry and Theme Parks using Computer Aided and Traditional approaches to Design. Also experience in other areas of Design.
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Humor

Humor makes the world go round. Humor helps us cope with lives that might otherwise be unbearable. Humor is what allows us to faugh at ourselves, after all, if we laugh at ourselves, others will think we were just pretending to be stupid. Be it humus, funny, silly, a riddle, or a joke, I try to include them here. I did not author most of these, I simply pass them along for your enjoyment.

This Page:
A Day Off
Bang Head Here
Cast the First Stone
Chocolate
Coma
The Island
Lake Havasu
Man Hole Cover
The Old Monk
Oops
Oxymorons
The Plan
Quotes
Trees
World Politics
Yogi Bera
Zero G Toilet
Other Humor Pages:
Blond Jokes
Cat and Dog Jokes
Christmas
Computers
Holidays
Lawyers
Political
Quizes
Religion
Via the Internet
Women v. Men
Word Play


"Sometimes it’s always..." Tony Blair, British Prime Minister. What is the prefered car brand for Star Wars fans?
Answer.

While an experienced 747 pilot requires months of training to fly a 757, any Star Fleet cook can fly or repair alien technology within 5 seconds of seeing it for the first time.

Four-legged children are best

If it ain't Baroque, don't Faux it.

Progress was great once, but we went too far (unidentified philosopher)

"...but some people without brains do an awful lot of talking..." The Scarecrow

"I always wanted to be someone, but I should have been more specific." Lilly Tomlin.

"There are two types of people in the world, those who divide people into two categories and those who don’t." Tony Enriquez

"There are three types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can’t." Bill Fane

"I don’t want a TV that gets 225 channels, I want a TV that gets one channel with something worth watching." Andy Rooney

Remember, he who hesitates, is cautious.

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him of your future plans" Woody Allen

Nice guys get screwed.

If life was easy, everyone would do it.

Why did the diamond divorce her husband? Answer:

What are the last two words said by a red neck before he dies?Answer:

If you can’t say something intelligent, say something stupid.


Chocolate

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories.

As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends.

I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore... in the last 3½ years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds , so...

without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.


Coma

A man lies in bed, slowly slipping in and our of consciousness after spending three months in a coma as the result of a traffic accident. Each time he drifts back to consciousness, he sees his loving wife sitting beside the bed. On time, he drifts a little more to consciousness for long enough to speak to his wife. He says, “You have been with me through all the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there, when our child almost died, you were there. When the plane crashed, you were there. You were there for the bankruptcy and when I was sick. You were there when I had the accident that put me in this hospital bed. You were there through all the bad times.” His wife smiles at his recognition of her devotion. He adds, “I finally realize, you’re bad luck.”


WORLD POLITICS

Socialism is where you have two cows and give one to your neighbor.
Communism is where you have two cows, the government takes both and gives you milk.
Fascism is where you have two cows, the government takes both and sells you milk.
Naziism is where you have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucracy is where you have two cows, the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and dumps the milk down the drain.
Capitalism is where you have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.
(I heard this on the radio many years ago, and never forgot it. I don't remember who said it)


THE PLAN

IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE PLAN.

AND THEN CAME THE ASSUMPTIONS.

AND THE ASSUMPTIONS WERE WITHOUT FORM.

AND THE PLAN WAS WITHOUT SUBSTANCE.

AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE WORKERS.

AND THEY SPOKE AMONGST THEMSELVES, SAYING, “IT IS A CROCK OF SHIT, AND IT STINKETH.”

AND THE WORKERS WENT UNTO THEIR SUPERVISORS AND SAID, "IT IS A PAIL OF DUNG, AND NONE MAY ABIDE THE ODOR THEREOF.”

AND THE SUPERVISORS WENT UNTO THEIR MANAGERS, SAYING, "IT IS A CONTAINER OF EXCREMENT, AND IT IS VERY STRONG, SUCH THAT NONE MAY ABIDE BY IT.”

AND THE MANAGERS WENT UNTO THEIR DIRECTORS, SAYING, "IT IS A VESSEL OF FERTILIZER, AND NONE MAY ABIDE ITS STRENGTH."

AND THE DIRECTORS SPOKE AMONGST THEMSELVES, SAYING ONE TO ANOTHER, "IT CONTAINS THAT WHICH AIDS PLANT GROWTH, AND IT IS VERY STRONG.”

AND THE DIRECTORS THEN WENT UNTO THE VICE PRESIDENTS, SAYING UNTO THEM, "IT PROMOTES GROWTH, AND IT IS VERY POWERFUL.”

AND THE VICE PRESIDENTS WENT UNTO THE PRESIDENT, SAYING UNTO HIM, "THIS NEW PLAN WILL ACTIVELY PROMOTE THE GROWTH AND VIGOR OF THE COMPANY, WITH POWERFUL EFFECTS.”

AND THE PRESIDENT LOOKED UPON THE PLAN- AND SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD.

AND THE PLAN BECAME POLICY.

"THIS IS HOW SHIT HAPPENS”


"A DAY OFF"

So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days: available for work. Since you spend 16 hours. each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days, available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!!!!


Zero Gravity Toilet

Zero G Toilet

ZERO GRAVITY TOILET

PASSENGERS ARE ADVISED TO READ INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE USE

1The toilet is of the standard zero-gravity type. Depending on requirements, system A and/or system B can be used, details of which are clearly. marked in the toilet compartment. When operating system A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron eliminator will be dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X" outlet hose. Twist the silver Coloured ring one inch below the connection point until you feel it lock.

2The toilet is now ready for use. The Sonovac cleanser is activated by the small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its initial-condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect. Place the dalkron eliminator in the vacuum receptacle to the rear. Activate by pressing the blue button.

3The controls for system B are located on the opposite wall. The red release switch places the uroliminator into position; it can be adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release button. The opening is self adjusting. To secure after use, press the green button which simultaneously activates the evaporator and returns the uroliminator to its storage position.

4You may leave the lavatory if the green exit light is on over the door. If the red light is illuminated, one of the lavatory facilities is not property secured. Press the "Stewardess” call button to the right of the door. She will secure all facilities from her control panel outside. When green exit light goes on you may open the door and leave. Please close door behind you.

5To use the Sonoshower, first undress and place all your clothes in the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet immediately below. Enter the shower. On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will set a 'Shower seal' button. Press to activate. A green light will then be illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob select the desired setting. Now depress the Sonovac activation lever. Bathe normally.

6The Sonovac will automatically go off after three minutes unless you activate the "Manual off” over-ride switch by flipping it up. When you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button. The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro slippers and place them in their container.

7If the red light above this panel is on, the toilet is in use. When the green light is illuminated you may enter. However. you must carefully follow all instructions when using the facilities during coasting (Zero G) flight. Inside there are three facilities: (1) the Sonowasher, (2) the Senoshower, (3) the toilet. All three are designed to be used under weightless conditions. Please observe the sequence of operations for each individual facility.

8Two modes for Sonowashing your face and hands are available, the "moist-towel" mode and the Sonovac" ultrasonic cleaner mode. You may select either mode by moving the appropriate lever to the "Activate" position.

If you choose the “moist-towel” mode, depress the indicated yellow button and withdraw item. When you have finished, discard the towel in the vacuum dispenser, holding the indicated lever in an "activate" position until the green light goes on . . . showing that the rollers have passed the towel completely into the dispenser. If you desire as additional towel, press the yellow button and repeat the cycle.

9If you prefer the "Sonovac” ultrasonic cleaning mode, press the indicated blue button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A and B. For cleaning the hands, use in this position. Set the timer to positions 10, 20, 30 or 40 . . . indicative of the number of seconds required. The knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low, medium, or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.

10After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If during the washing operation, you wish to change the settings, place the "manual off" over-ride switch in the "OFF" position. You may now make the change and repeat the cycle.


Mouse Trap

Logging


Yogi Bera:

Quotes from America's most popular philosopher, Yogi Bera.

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six."

“You can observe a lot just by watchin.”

“It ain’t over till it’s over.”

“If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”

“Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.”

“This is like deja vu all over again.”

“Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded.”

If you don’t know where you’re going, you could end up someplace else.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Why be jealous of something you don’t have?


The Monk

A very old monk was assigned to go over old writings and verify that there were no errors in the translation of the Bible. After years of research, another monk went into the depths of the basement to see how the first monk was coming with his research. The first monk was crying and the second monk asked why. The first monk said, “It’s celebrate not celibate.”


Island

Lake Havasu
Boating fun at Lake Havasu.

Man Hole Cover
Man Hole Cover made for the City of Los Angeles, Made in India.


Quotes

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
Conan O'Brien

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown

The ad in the paper said “Big Sale. Last Week.” Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.
Yakov Smirnoff

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin

A man who says it can’t be done, shouldn’t interrupt a woman while she is doing it.
Runner up, “Saying of the Day”, KZLA radio.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
Gandhi

The shortest and surest way of arriving at real knowledge is to unlearn the lessons we have been taught, to remount first principles and to take nobody’s word about them.
Bolingbroke

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75% of the population." David Letterman

Night skiing daily (ski commercial)


Top 34 Oxymorons:

34. Act naturally
33. Found missing
32. Resident alien
31. Genuine imitation
30. Good grief
29. Same difference
28 Almost exactly
27. Government organization
26. Sanitary landfill
25. Alone together
24. Small crowd
23. Business ethics
22. Soft rock
21. Extinct life
20. Sweet sorrow
19. Childproof
18. "Now, then..."
17. Synthetic natural gas
16. Passive aggression
15. Taped live
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. New classic
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Military intelligence


Bang Head Here


Cast the First Stone

Once while Jesus was performing miracles, an adulterous woman was brought before him. As a test, the clerics asked what should be done with the woman. Had Jesus said “Let her go” the clerics would have used this violation of law against him. Had he said “Stone her” it would have proven that he didn’t have the compassion he was noted for having.

Jesus responded “Let the person without sin cast the first stone.” He expected everyone to walk away as everyone has sin. Instead, a little Jewish woman pick up a rock and threw it at the woman. Everyone else joined in and stoned the woman to death. After the crowd left, Jesus was bewildered that the message had been lost.

Jesus turned to the woman who threw the first stone and said, “Mom, I told you not to interfere with my work.” *

*Jesus’s mother, Mary, is believed to be the only person without sin.


This page last updated 3-22-09

This site maintained by Kenneth A. Larson.
Copyright © 2000 - 2009 Kenneth A. Larson. All Rights Reserved.
Website content including photographic and graphic images may not be redistributed for use on another website.

This site is a light hearted alternative to my commercial design portfolio site. This site's only purpose is for your enjoyment. There is no advertising and I make no profit. If you are in the need of a designer, please check my commercial site www.kesigndesign.com. Kesign Design Consulting

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Humor Quick Links
Humor Main Page |
Blond Jokes | Cat and Dog Jokes | Christmas | Computers | Holidays | Lawyers | Political | Quizes | Religion | Via the Internet | Women v. Men | Word Play

Site Quick Links
Kesign Design Consulting | Web Central | Commentary | Contact | Information | Humor | Photography Gallery | Stories