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Blond Jokes

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We all know that blond jokes aren't true and are told by non-blonds who are simply jealous that blonds have more fun. Blonds have to have fun, they are too dumb to work. So take these blond jokes with a grain of salt. Just in case you are a blond, salt is the white stuff that comes out of a salt shaker. I did not author most of these, I simply pass them along for your enjoyment.

Please forward additional blond jokes.E-mail

Blond refers to males, both, and unecided,
Blonde is female.
51 Days
8 Degrees of Blonde
710
The Blond and the Compact
The Blond and the Factory
Blond Policewoman
The Blond and the Tissue Box
Brandi
Florida or the Moon
Jewish Holiday
Gogo Jumping for Joy
Killer Biscuits
Male Blond Joke
More Blond Jokes
More Blond Jokes
Olive
The Suicidal Blonde!
Two Blonds in a Plane
Why Blondes Don't Rule The World
Worst Blond Jokes



THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"


Two Blonde Carpenters

Two Blondes, Sara & Lisa were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lisa was nailing down house siding and would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sara, figuring this was worth looking into asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Lisa explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away."

Sara got completely upset & yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Fly to the Sun

One day three female astronauts, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, "We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon." The redhead said, "And we should be proud that we were the first astronauts to walk on Mars." The blonde added, "And we should be proud that someday we'll be the first astronauts to fly to the sun." "Don't be ridiculous," said the brunette. "If we got within a 100-mile radius of the sun, we would burn up and die!" The blonde replied, "That's why we'll go at night, after the sun goes down."

The smart blonde Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

The Barking Dog

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!


Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. Today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

The Other Side of the Fence

A blond and a brunette were on opposite sides of a fence. The brunette called to the blond, "How do I get to the other side?" The blond answered, "You already are."

A Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

Will He Jump

Homer, a handsome cowboy, walked into a sports bar in Dallas around 9:58 P.M. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.

Even More Blond Jokes

  1. BLONDE LOGIC: Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
  2. CAR TROUBLE: A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
  3. SPEEDING TICKET: A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
  4. RIVER WALK: There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
  5. AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE: A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
  6. KNITTING: A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
  7. BLONDE ON THE SUN: A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
  8. IN A VACUUM: A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
  9. FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!: A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Jumping for Joy

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

Blond Policewoman

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

51 Days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Killer Biscuits

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline).

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Yes, Linda is a blonde.

Editor note: She should have known it wasn't her brain, blonds don't have one.

The Blond and the Compact

Two blondes were walking down the street. Just by luck, one of the blondes spot's a compact so she goes and picks it up.

Looking strangely into it, she says "Hey this person looks familiar!"

"Let me see!" the other blonde says as she grabs the compact. "Of course it looks familiar, it's me!"

The Blond and the Factory

Two factory workers were talking, one had dark hair, the second was blond.

The dark haired man said, "I think I'll take some time of work today."

The blond asked, "How do you think you'll do that?"

The dark haired man proceeded to show the blond by climbing up to the rafters and hanging upside down by his feet.

The boss walked in, saw the worked hanging from the ceiling , and asked him, "What on earth are you doing."

The dark haired man replied, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss exclaimed, "I think you need some time off work. Go home."

So the dark haired man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The blond began walking out too.

The boss asked the blond, "Where do you think you're going?"

The blond replied, "Home, I can't work in the dark."
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Florida or the Moon

Two blonds living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening looking at the Moon and talking. One blond says to the other, "Which do you think is further away, Florida or the Moon?"

The second blond rolls her eyes, turns, and replies, "Hellooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?"

The Blond and the Car Phone

A blond is speaking to her friend. "I'm on the road a lot and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Her friend asks, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

The blond says, "That was a little expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

The friend asks, "Uh ... How's that working?"

The Blond answers, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Then the friend asks, "And why do you think that is?"

The blond replies, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

Jewish Holiday

The Blond says to her husband, "There is no class tonight because of the Jewish Holiday." The husband thinks and looks at her with a puzzled expression and she adds, "It's two words. Something Chavez." The husband asks, Caesar Chavez." The blond answers, "Yes, that one. Which one is that?" The husband then patiently explains about the Caesar Chavez who organized the Mexican farm workers into a union.
True story.
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What do you call 7 blonds lined up ear to ear?
A wind tunnel

Submitted by Robert Voros

Two Blonds in a Plane

A blond and a brunette were sitting beside one another on a plane. The blond asked the brunette, "Hey want to play a game?"

The brunette answered. "No, I'm trying to sleep."

The blond asked, "How about I ask you a question and if you answer it right, I will give you five dollars, and if you answer wrong, you give me five dollars and you do the same with me."

The brunette answered, "No I am trying to sleep."

The blond asked, "Okey, how about I will give you 500 bucks and you only have to give my 5?" So seeing that the blond was not going to give up, the brunette agreed.

The blond asked, "How far is it from here to the moon?"

The brunette gave the blond five bucks right away and said, "Okey, my turn. What has three legs goes up and never comes down?"

The blond thinks, e-mails all her friends, calls everybody she knows, and 2 hours later the brunette is asleep so the blond wakes her up and gives her 500 dollars. The brunette takes it and goes back to sleep. The blond stops her and asks, "Hey what was the answer?"

The brunette reaches in her purse and gives the blond five dollars.
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The Blonde and the Olive...

A blond was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big Deal," muttered the blond. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."
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Why Blondes Don't Rule The World:

  1. Why don't blondes eat pickles?
    Because they can't get their head in the jar.

  2. Why do blondes wear underwear?
    To keep their ankles warm.

  3. Why don't blondes like to make Kool-ade?
    They can't fit 2 quarts of water in that little package.

  4. What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
    The older they get, the easier the are to pick up.

  5. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
    More head room.

  6. How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
    She opens the car door.

  7. What do blondes and turtles have in common?
    Once they're on their backs they're screwed.

  8. What's the mating call of a blonde?
    'I think I'm drunk.-

  9. What's the mating call of a brunette?
    "is that damn blonde gone yet?"

  10. Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
    That's where you wash vegetables.

  11. Why does a blonde have T.G.I.F. on her shoes?
    Toes Go In First.

  12. What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
    They both have black boxes.

  13. What do blondes and a beer bottle have in common?
    They're both empty from the neck up.

  14. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
    Pull the pin and throw it back.

  15. How do you give blonde a brain transplant?
    Blow in her ear.

  16. How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle?
    Shine a flashlight in her ear?

  17. What, do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
    A brain tumor.

  18. How do you kill a blonde?
    Put spikes in her shoulder pads.

  19. What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
    You can park in the handicapped zone.

  20. What does a blonde do first thing tin the morning?
    She goes home.

  21. Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
    To keep her neck warm.

  22. Why did the blonde cross the road?
    Never mind that, what was she doing out of the kitchen?

  23. How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
    Tell her a joke on Friday.

  24. What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
    An interpreter.

  25. If a blonde and a brunette both jumped off a building at the same time, who would land first?
    The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask directions.

  26. Two blondes were walking along and came to some tracks. One blonde said, 'Those look like deer track', and the other blonde said, 'No, they look like moose tracks.' They were still arguing when the train hit them.

  27. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
    You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.

  28. What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
    All you can eat for under a buck.

  29. What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
    Spot.

  30. How can you tell when a blonde has been using your word processor?
    By all the 'white out' on the screen.

  31. How is a dumb blonde different from a 747?
    Not everyone has been in a 747.

  32. How is a dumb blonde like spaghetti?
    They both squirm when you eat them.

Tissues
A friend gave me this cartoon. I don't know the source. I hope the creator doesn't mind my sharing it.

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Brandi

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
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Male Blond Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I getburritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again". If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box,saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

Are you ready for it?
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The blond's wife said: Hey, don't look at me!! He packed his own lunch.
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8 Degrees of Blonde



ONE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here! " and hung up.
The husband inquired, "Who was that? " to which the wife replied, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear. ' "

TWO

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar. " The second blonde says, "Here, let me see! " So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me! "

THREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it. " The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next! "

FOUR

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. " A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin? " The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W. "

FIVE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine? "

SIX

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God! " the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am? " "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen? " the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing! " the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was . . . " "Uh, ma'am, " the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth. "

SEVEN

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman! "

EIGHT

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
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Worst Blonde Jokes

How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied?
Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them.

Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little envelope.

What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window?
Refueling.

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity?
Four blondes at a Four-way stop.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
This Goes In front.

A blonde went in to the hairdresser to get her haircut. She was wearing headphones. When the hairdresser asked her to remove them, she told them she couldn't. The hairdresser told her she would have to take them off in order to get a good haircut and she said, "I can't. The doctor said if I take them off I will die." So the hairdresser proceeded to cut her hair with the headphones on. In the process, she accidentally knocked them off and the lady fell over dead. They were startled and couldn't figure out why that would have happened. They picked up the headphones to listen and heard a voice saying,
"Breathe in- breathe out, breathe in-breathe out..."

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACYS wrong!"

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Why?"

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!
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More Blond Jokes

  1. Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
    A. You can't, they have always been like that.
  2. Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
    A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
  3. Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
    A. A wind tunnel.
  4. Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
    A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
  5. Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
    A. She drowns it.
  6. Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
    A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
  7. Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
    A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
  8. Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
    A. By doing the splits.
  9. Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
    A. Nothing, they haven't met!
  10. Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
    A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
  11. Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
    A. Humpme Dumpme
  12. Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
    A. More leg-room!
  13. Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
    A. They chip their teeth.
  14. Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
    A. Fertilized
  15. Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
    A. More headroom
  16. Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
    A. Because everyone gets a turn.
  17. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
    A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
  18. Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
    A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
  19. Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
    A. Frosted Flakes
  20. Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
    A. An airbag.
  21. Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
    A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
  22. Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
    A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.
  23. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
    A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
  24. Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
    A. Bobbing for french fries.
  25. Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
    A. Brain tumor.
  26. Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
    A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.
  27. Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
    A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....
  28. Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
    A. "Way to go team!"
  29. Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
    A. FULL
  30. Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
    A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.
  31. Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
    A. So she could lip read.
  32. Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
    A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
  33. Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
    A. Pregnant.
  34. Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
    A. Butter is difficult to spread.
  35. Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
    A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
  36. Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
    A. Artificial intelligence.
  37. Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
    A. A brunette with bad breath.
  38. Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
    A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
  39. Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
    A. She opens the car door.
  40. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
    A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
  41. Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
    A. Play ball!
  42. Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
    A. You always hear about them but never see them.
  43. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
    A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
  44. Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
    A. The joystick is wet.
  45. Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
    A. To keep their ankles warm.
  46. Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
    A. An interpreter.
  47. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
    A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
  48. Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
    A. She sold her car for it...
  49. Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
  50. Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
    A. Because they have blond boyfriends
  51. Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
    A. Their both empty from the neck up
  52. Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
    A. A blow job with handlebars
  53. Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
    A. A golden retriever.
  54. Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
    A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
  55. Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
    A. It has a stamp on it.
  56. Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
    A. A wine and cheese party!
  57. Q. How do you drown a blonde?
    A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
  58. Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
    A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
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Was She a Blonde?

The other day I was in the Auto Zone part store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap.

We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."

"What does it do?

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

The Counter Clerk gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture.

So She makes a circle about 3 inches in diameter and in the centre she writes 710.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

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More Blond Jokes

Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

"When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

1 Way Street

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.

Air Heads

Why do blondes wear their hair in buns?

To hide the valve stem!

Bermuda Triangle

Q: What does a blond and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?

A: They both suck up seamen.

Blind Man

A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.

"Who is it?"

"Blind man," came the response.

Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"

Blonde and Boyfriend

Q. How can you tell when a blonde has a boyfriend?

A. She has a belt buckle imprint on her forehead.

Cheating

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his appartment and when she opens the door she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Well, said the blond is angry, while she opens her purse to take out the gun. As she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it". The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."

Doorknob

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn!!

Drivers License

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

Dying Alone

Q: How do blonde braincells die?

A: Alone!

Hearing Aides

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Honey Moon

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

I Think

A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. He began, "I think -" The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor.

Jamaica

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The flight attendant tells her that she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "As long as there's an available seat, I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The flight attendant gets the head flight attendant, who asks the woman to leave. Again, she says "As long as there's an available seat, I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The flight attendants don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.

The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head flight attendant asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

Outstanding

A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field."

See You Pretty Soon

Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, "Will I see you pretty soon?"

"What's the matter," she asked, hurt. "Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Steep Hill

Panting and perspiring, two blondes on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill.

"That was a steep climb," said the first blonde.

"It certainly was," replied the second. "It's a good thing we kept the brake on so we wouldn't have slid down backward."

The Suicidal Blonde!

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night, with the tip of her index finger blown off. "How did this happen?", the doctor asked her.

"Well," the blonde replied, "I was depressed, and I was trying to commit suicide!" The doctor scratched his head. "What? You tried to commit suicide by shooting your FINGER off??"

"No, silly!" the blonde sighed. "First, I put the gun to my chest. Then I thought, boy, I just paid $5,000 for these breast implants, I'm not gonna shoot myself in the chest."

"Then I put the gun in my mouth. But I thought, huh, I just paid $2,500 to get my teeth straightened, no way, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" asked the doctor.

"Well, then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, gee, this is going to make an awful loud noise! So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
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The Meaning of Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!!!

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This page last updated: Sunday, 11-Aug-2013 22:05:33 PDT

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