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Kenneth A. Larson has a quarter century of experience in design and construction of scenery for the Entertainment Industry and Theme Parks using Computer Aided and Traditional approaches to Design. Also experience in other areas of Design.
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Everyone likes holidays, and I don't want to make light of these rare and valuables days. However, humor can be found in anything, even holidays I did not author most of these, I simply pass them along for your enjoyment. Like most users of e-mail, I receive many humorous, thoughtful, or otherwise interesting e-mails. Once in a while, one really sticks out. I include some here. Since I don't know the source of most of these, I apologize for not giving proper credit. Feel free to let me know if you know the source of any of them.

New Years
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from the Easter Bunny
Easter Bunny
Rules for a Safe Halloween
Halloween Groaners
Thanksgiving
Christmas

Easy to Keep New Years Resolutions

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don't have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Don't eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Don't believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Don't worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
to let me know if you know the source of any of them.

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from the Easter Bunny

  1. Don't put all your eggs in one basket
  2. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
  3. Walk softly and carry a big carrot
  4. Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
  5. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
  6. There's no such thing as too much candy
  7. Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans
  8. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
  9. All work and no play can make you a basket case
  10. The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
  11. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
  12. To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
  13. Some body parts should be floppy
  14. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
Happy Easter!


Bunnies

Rules for a Safe Halloween

  1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
  2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
  4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several round to kill them,so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
  5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
  6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
  8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
  9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
  10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
  11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
  12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. And even if you're sure you know what you're doing, just don't fool with it!
  13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
  15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
  16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
  17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
  18. If some one tells you that they are a witch don't ask them to prove it.

Halloween Groaners



What's a zombie's favorite breakfast cereal?
Rice Creepies!


Why was Dracula not at his desk?
He was on his coffin break!


What does a weight-conscious vampire drink?
Blood Light!


Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
It had no body to dance with!


What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A toasty ghosty!


Why was the mummy so tense?
He was all wound up!


What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel!


Why does a witch ride on a broom?
Vacuum cleaners have to be plugged into the wall!


What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets!


What do you call a wicked witch who lives by the sea?
A sand-witch!


Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves!


What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A hoblin goblin!


What kind of errors do ghosts make?
Boo-boos and grave mistakes!


Twas the night of Thanksgiving

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white
but I fought temptation with all of my might

Tossing and turning with anticipation
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, up into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding, a handful of pie.

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,
May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

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This page last updated: Sunday, 11-Aug-2013 00:26:27 PDT

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I hope that you find this web site helpful. It started as alight-hearted alternative to my portfolio site, and then grew. This web site is for your benefit and enjoyment and I make no profit on it. For ten years it has been supported primarily from my regular paycheck as a Set Designer and there haven't been many the last few years. I can no longer run it without help. Alternative funding is needed. Only recently I tried advertising as a way to balance the budget, but it still doesn't cover the costs. A non-tax deductable donation helps cover the cost of operating this web site and may be made to Kesign Design Consulting through PayPal.

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