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Humor - Women v. Men

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Men versus women, women vs. men, boys vs. girls, girls versus boys, call it what you like, gender based humor is plentiful and lighthearted. I did not author most of these, I simply pass them along for your enjoyment.

Like most users of e-mail, I receive many humorous, thoughtful, or otherwise interesting e-mails. Once in a while, one really sticks out. I include some here. Since I don't know the source of most of these, I apologize for not giving proper credit. Feel free to let me know if you know the source of any of them.

All Roads Lead to Hawaii
Daughter's Surprise
Dietician
The Doctor
Every Woman
Flies
Golf Clubs
How to Shower Like A Woman:
The Husband Shopping Center!!
The Independent Princess
Joining a Church
Joys of Womanhood
The Guys' Rules
The Line
Marriage Anonymous
Men & Women
Object Gender
Pants
The Perfect Man
Pig
The Secrets of Women's Language
Sex Change
To Be 6 Again!
A Two Year Marriage Degree
What is a Cat? / What is a Dog?
Why Women Love Men
Women - A Chemical Analysis
Women are Clever
Years Younger

Marriage is like hiking. I prefer the reliable A trail and my wife prefers betrayal.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? Answer

If a woman wants her husband to do something, she shouldn't interrupt while he is doing it.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after. Benjamin Franklin.

My marriage made me miss my dog.

Not only must a man be perfect, but he had better accept his woman's many faults.

Inside every married person, is a single person trying to get out.

I saw a t-shirt the other day. Writing on the shirt said, "Most of my money was spent on wine and women. The rest I just wasted."

A woman who says something can't be done, should stay out of the way of a man who is doing it.

At the Olympics, the US Women's team won the first Gold given for Women's Hockey. Women's hockey is just as violent as Men's Hockey. Proving, American women are the most violent in the world!

There need not be a civil penalty for bigamy. Any man with two wives will receive punishment enough at home.

I never knew what happiness was till I got married, and now it's too late.

A man isn't complete until he's married, then he's finished.
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The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guy's side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female point of view...

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. .

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. .

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we .

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. .

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf..

1. You have enough clothes..

1. You have too many shoes..

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!.

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping..

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh .

Attributed to Dixon Murrah

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Object Gender

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; for example:

  1. Ziploc Bags -- are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
  2. Copiers -- are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
  3. Tires -- are Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.
  4. Sponges -- are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
  5. Hot Air Balloons -- are Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
  6. Web Pages -- are Female, because they're always getting hit on.
  7. Subways -- are Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.
  8. Hourglasses -- are Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
  9. Hammers -- are Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but are handy to have around.
  10. Remote Controls -- are Female...Ha! You thought they'd be male. However, consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Dietician

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all -- and we all have, or will at some point, eat it. "Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

What is a Cat? / What is a Dog?

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

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Joys of Womanhood

Unknown Brilliant Woman Author

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."

Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
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Why Women Love Men

They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.

They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.

They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not.

They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.

Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.

Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.

Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake.

Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around.

The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backward of their inner Little Leaguer.

How tender they get when they cry, and how seldom they do it.

What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.

They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.

They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.

They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.

Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs.

Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for.

They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say.

They rarely lie about their age, their weight, or their clothing size.

How awestruck they are in the face of a homemade cookie.

How great their hands look holding ours.

Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out.

Their ignorance is usually amusing.

They have a great sense of competition.

They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added)

Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring.

They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to.

They don't care whether colors match, but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be.

They can be taught.

They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.
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Women are Clever

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story:

Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
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The Secrets of Women's Language - A must-read for any man

Keywords and their meanings:

"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

"Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
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Pig

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells "BITCH!!"
They continue on their way and, as the man rounds the next curve, he is killed when he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
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Sex Change

A man ran into an old friend. The friend had been a man, but had since had a sex change. The first man said to the man/woman, "Well, you look great, but tell me, what was it like to undergo the procedure?"

The man/woman said, "Well, there was a lot of cutting off parts and sewing on new parts, and that hurt. Then there were the hormone shots which didn't feel good either. And it wasn't easy getting used to high heals. But the worst part was when they drilled a hole in the back of my head and sucked out my brain."
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A Two Year Marriage Degree

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage -- under the assumption that men should be trained for marriage...

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University of Marriage that many of you should be interested in. That's right, in just six semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Spring Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under Things for Christmas

Summer Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 3 am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Fall Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Spring Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective)
(See Electives Below)

Summer Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Fall Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
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How to Shower Like ...:

How to Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

16. Partial dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/ wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
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Daughter's Surprise

A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Uganda and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter.

Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me?

What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in, and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads, and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "I said a RICH doctor!"
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The Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, fuck this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
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Every Woman

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
1.One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Whom you can trust, whom you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.

All Roads Lead to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deepin prayer.of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify you desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Women - A Chemical Analysis

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM
Women - a chemical Analysis

Element - Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118, but know to vary from 100 to 460 lbs.
Occurences: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from Virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known.

Common Uses
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

Tests
1. Pure specimen turns a rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time.

Men & Women

  1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.
  2. Why is a Laundromat a bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because women who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
  3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
  5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't, there is a clock on the oven.
  6. Why do men pass gas more than women?
    Because women never shut up long enough to build up pressure.
  7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
  8. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
  9. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
    A woman that won't do what she's told.
  10. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
    Divorced.
  11. Bigamy is having one wife too many.
    Some say monogamy is the same.
  12. Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called wedding cake.
  13. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
    I said dust.
  14. In the beginning God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
  15. Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.
  16. What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
    About 5 drinks.
  17. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
  18. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
    Two mother-in-laws.
  19. A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received hundred of letters. They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."
  20. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  21. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.

The Line

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Marriage Anonymous

With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called, "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a man feels like getting married, they send over a woman wearing a torn housecoat, with curlers in her hair and cream on her face, and she tries to nag him out of it.

Years Younger

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Golf Clubs

This guy's wife asks, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"Well," says the guy, "We all need companionship, so I suppose someday I would."

"Hmm," says the wife. "Well, would she live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it," says the guy, "so I guess she would."

"Would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, it seems a shame to waste a perfectly good bed," says the guy, "so I guess she would.


"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not," says the guy. "She's a lefty."

Flies

I stopped at a friend's shop the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: "Yeah... 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

To Be 6 Again!

A man asks his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

I'd love to be six again, she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme Park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, Everything there was!

WOW! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling, her stomach upside down. Right to McDonalds they went, where her husband ordered her a happy meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened , "You idiot, I meant my dress size!!"

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong..........

Earning Points with Women and Men

Wifes point sysytem....

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday................................0

You buy a card and flowers...............................0

You take her out to dinner.............................. 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

Okay, it is a sports bar.............................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team........-10
Husbands point system....

HIS BIRTHDAY

You remember his birthday................................0

You buy a card and beer...............................0

You take him out to dinner.............................. 0

You take him out to dinner and it's a sports bar....+1

Okay, it is not a sports bar.............................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................+3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and yourface is painted the colors of his favorite team........+10
DUTIES

You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing........ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron................................+10

It's her cat.................................................-40
DUTIES

You don't hear a suspicious noise at night..................... 0

You don't hear a suspicious noise and it is nothing........ 0

You don't hear a suspicious noise and it is something..........-5

You hear a suspicious noise and ask him to check it out......-10

It's your cat.................................................-40
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...............+2

You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

You take her to a movie you hate......+6

You take her to a movie you like......-2

It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HIM

You take him to a movie...............0

You take him to a movie he likes.....+2

You take him to a movie you hate......+4

You take him to a movie you like......-4

It's called Death Cop 3...............+2

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....+5

You lied and said it was about Cyborgs but was really a foreign film about orphans.....-15
COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned statement....................0

You listen, for over 30 minutes........................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do"...........................-50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200
COMMUNICATION

When you want to talk about a problem:You say as little as possible....................0

You talk for over 30 minutes........................-5

You relate to his problem and share a similar experience........-10

You're mind wanders to your friend's problems and you suddenly hear him saying"well, what do you want me to do about it?"...........................-50

You talk for more than 30 minutes without saying anything new..-100

He realizes this is because you have other friends with problems.......-200

Pants

On their wedding night, John took off his pants and tossed them to Mary saying, "Put these on."

Mary said, "I can't where the pants."

John said, "As long as you remember that, we will have a great marriage."

Mary thought a minute and took off her pants and tossed them to John saying, "Put these on."

John responded, "I can't get into your pants."

Mary said, "And you won't get into my pants until you learn to treat me as an equal!"

The Husband Shopping Center!!

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! Said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. Goodbye."

The Independent Princess

Once upon a time, in a land far away,a beautiful, independent,self-assured princess met up with a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother living with us and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed froglegs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: ... (tag line)

Joining a Church

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

The Doctor

A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Uganda and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter.

Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me?

What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in, and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads, and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams,

"I said a RICH doctor!"

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This page last updated: Sunday, 11-Aug-2013 00:26:26 PDT

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