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Quizes | Religion | Via the Internet| Women v. Men | Word Play
Like most users of e-mail, I receive many humorous, thoughtful, or otherwise interesting e-mails. Once in a while, one really sticks out. I include some here. Since I don't know the source of most of these, I apologize for not giving proper credit. Feel free to let me know if you know the source of any of them

Nine is Enough 103%
A History of Teaching Math
Alcohol Warning Label
Answering Machine Greetings
Answering Service
The Auditor Auto Insurance Statements
The Cabby and the Nun
Californians
Chickens Revisited
Chicken Special
The City of Detroit High School Math Proficiency Exam
Conundrums
Did you know?
Directions
Disorder in the Court
Divert Your Course
Dressing Down
Dublin
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
Four Guys in a Car
Great Quotes
Headlines from 2035
Hearing Aid
A History of Teaching Math
How We Get To Live Longer
The Independent Princess
It's Tough Getting Old....
Lessons I've learned...
Life
Logic
Lovely Snow
The Murderer
Panda
The Parrot
Pet Fish
Put a shrimp on the barbee.
Questions
Quotations
A Quickie
The Rabbit
Rednesk Logic
Screw
Sherlock Holmes
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
Things You Would Never Know if it Weren't for the Movies!!!
Life in the Slow Lane
Thoughts
It's Tough Getting Old....
Tribesman
Weapons of Mass Destruction
What you Say!
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Nine is Enough

An Alabama couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed.' The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Great Quotes

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator." - John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas

"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." - Howard Hughes; (about Clark Gable)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening . . . But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder
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Californians:

Not to be outdone by all the Redneck, Hillbilly, & Texan jokes...

You know you're in California when......

  1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
  2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
  3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
  4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
  5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
  6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
  7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
  8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
  9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
  10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
  11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
  12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
  13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.You don't even notice.
  14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
  15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
  16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
  17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
  18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2003."
  19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.
  20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
  21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
  22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
  23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
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Put a shrimp on the barbee

Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one...

Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia Will you let her in? (South Africa)
A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)

Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Another blonde?

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: From Liz Taylor, perhaps?

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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Divert Your Course

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURESWILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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How We Get To Live Longer

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow. "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."

The cow objected. "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the last 30 years - I'll give back to you."

So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "A monkey has to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. And I'll give you a 20 year life span."

The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years - I'll give back to you."

So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, " What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come by, or in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give you a life span of 20 years!"

The dog objected. "What? All day long I have to sit by the door? No way! Let me live for only 10 years. I give you back my other 10 years of life!"

So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy it and do nothing. For this kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."

The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....... Why don't we make a deal? Since Cow gave you back 30 years, Dog gave you back 10 years, and Monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?"

So God agreed.

AND THAT IS WHY.....
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much.
For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family.
For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing monkey tricks.
And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people!
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Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies - Vol. I

  1. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  2. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
  3. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  4. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
  5. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people -- whether they are employed or not.
  6. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
  7. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  8. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
  9. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
  10. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
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Things You Would Never Know if it Weren't for the Movies!!! Vol. II

  1. Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
  2. One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
  3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  4. It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one...dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
  5. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
  6. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
  7. Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
  8. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  9. During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  10. All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
  11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
  12. It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  13. If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
  14. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
  15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language.
  17. A German accent will do.
  18. A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  19. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
  20. If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
  21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
  22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
  23. A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
  24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
  25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  26. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
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Alcohol Warning Label

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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A History of Teaching Math

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2000: A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2001: A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of loggable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?
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103%

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100 percent. How about achieving 103 percent? Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future.

What makes life 100 percent?

If :
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
can be represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = only 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = only 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, but attitude and bullshit will put you over the top.
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Headline Stories for the Year 2035

1. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)

4. Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

5. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

6. 35-year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

7. Nursing home event ... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

8. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

9. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

10. Baby conceived naturally ... scientists stumped.

11. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

12. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

13. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

14. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

15. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
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Questions

Here are some questions for you to answer:
Answers appear after the questions...NO CHEATING!!!
1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?
3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion 8." Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?
6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?
7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?
8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died, and she never divorced. How was this possible?
9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?
10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
11. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
12. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?
13. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
14. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
15. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show. One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?
16. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister?
17. How many outs are there in an inning?
18. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the Ark?
19. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?
20. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many are left?

ANSWERS
1. A coffin.
2. The child was born before 1776.
3. Mount Everest (it just hadn't been discovered).
4. Clara lives in the southern hemisphere.
5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II.
6. The word "and".
7. They fall in the same year every year. New Year's Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.
8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace.
9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
10. Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.
11. "one word"
12. Penguins live in the Antarctic.
13. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow.
14. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.
15. They were husband and wife.
16. No. A dead man can marry no one.
17. Six . Three in each half of the inning.
18. Moses took no animals. It was Noah on the Ark.
19. Meat.
20. Nine.
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Four Guys in a Car

Four guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Florida turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?" The Nebraskan replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
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Did You Know

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a mili-second.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so - apart from Bones ).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die, if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16,1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
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Answering Service

The Transcript of the New Answering Service Recently Installed At the Mental Health Institute:

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline . . .

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you now.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the star and pound keys until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, blood type, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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Answering Machine Greetings

These are actual answering machine greetings recorded and verified by the World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

1. My wife & I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name & number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7. (From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to, If you leave message, call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I call sooner!

8. Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10.This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is Steve. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slow ... So leave a message, and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Life

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you get to go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.

Lessons I've learned...

Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion to destroy it.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

The Parrot

A man received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was already fully grown with a bad attitude, and a worse vocabulary. The guy tried hard to change the bird's attitude by saying polite words to him, playing soft music, anything he could think of... Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, the man put the parrot in the freezer. For a few minutes, he heard the bird squawking, swearing, and kicking. Then suddenly,there was complete quiet.

The guy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto the guy's extended arm, and said: "I am very sorry that I offended you with my language and actions, and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor at whatever cost to correct my behavior."

The man was astounded at the bird's change and was about to askwhat would have effected such a drastic change, when the parrot continued, "May I inquire as to what the chicken did?"
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Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"Fag."
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A Quickie

A man walks into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He looks over the menu and then says to the waitress, "I want a quickie."

The stunned waitress slaps his face and says, "Now, kindly give me your order, mister."

Again, the man says, "I want a quickie."

The waitress slaps him a second time, and says, "I'll give you one last chance, mister. What do you want?"

Just then, a fellow from the next table leans over and whispers, "Hey, pal, I think it's pronounced Quiche."
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Quotations

1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."---Mariah Carey

3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The esearchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22

4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward

7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." ---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."---Former French President Charlie De Gaulle

11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I'm just the one to do it."---A Congressional Candidate in Texas

12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."---Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." ---General William Westmoreland

14. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."-- Dan Quayle

15 "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."- --John Wayne

16. "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another." --George Bush, US President

17. "I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them." --George Bush, US President

18. "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

19. "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

20. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

21. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Dan Quayle

22. "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Dan Quayle

23. "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

24. "The loss of life will be irreplaceable." --Dan Quayle

25. "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." --Dan Quayle

26. "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."-Dan Quayle

27. "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..." --Dan Quayle (He seems to outdo himself)

28. "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

It's tough getting old....

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J. C. Penney and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: "Well so why are you crying?"

She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."

I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"
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Chickens Revisited

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers:

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

Dr. Suess:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why he crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Freud: The fact that you have read this whole thing and are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
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What you Say!

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump out of the pit with all of their might. The group of frogs kept telling them to stop because they were as good as dead.

Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died. The second frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.

He jumped even harder and finally made it out. You see this frog was deaf, unable to hear what the others were saying. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches a lesson...

There is the power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of encouraging words... can go such a long way.

May your words be a blessing to someone today.

Dressing Down

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
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The Rabbit

A man was driving along a highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful that he began to cry. A blonde driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I ccidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.

She went to her car and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
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Are you ready for this?
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Are you sure?
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OK, here it is . . .
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"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
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The Independent Princess

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess met up with a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother living with us and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed froglegs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't f---ing think so."
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Auto Insurance Statements

List of statements to auto insurance companies, originally published in the Toronto Sun, July 26,1977

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.

I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell sleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor's office with rear end trouble when the universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured; but, on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the vehicle. The driver and passenger then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
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Dublin

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did ou live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court-reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

The Murderer

A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
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The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
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The City of Detroit High School Math Proficiency Exam

NAME____________________
GANG NAME______________

1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each hoe turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for 40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6. Raul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

The Cabby and the Nun

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the driver pulls away and starts looking at her in the mirror. She asks him why is he looking that way at her and he replies, "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well," says the driver, " I've always had a fantasy to have a nun French kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single, as I would never want one to betray their wedding vows. And secondly, you must be Catholic."

The cabby gets very excited and says, "Wonderful, I'm single and I'm a Catholic, too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a deep French kiss. But when they get back on the road, the driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, Sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

The Auditor

It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their fathers do for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

A History of Teaching Math

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2000: A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2001: A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of loggable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

Thoughts

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, He takes something for it.

Never be afraid to try something new,
Remember amateurs built the ark -
Professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand -- divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1.. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2.. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4.. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5.. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6.. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

7.. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

8.. Remember half the people you know are below average.

9.. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

10.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

11.. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

12.. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

13.. I intend to live forever - so far so good.

14.. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

15.. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

16.. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

17.. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

18.. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

19.. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

20.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21.. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

22.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

23.. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

24.. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

25.. Success always occurs in private andfailure in full view.

26.. The colder the x-ray table the more ofyour body is required on it.

27.. The hardness of butter is directlyproportional to the softness of the bread.

28.. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

29.. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

30.. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive (that goes for the car or the golf course).

31.. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

32.. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

33.. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

34.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

35.. Get a new car for your spouse - it'llbe a great trade!

36.. Always try to be modest and be proudof it!

37.. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

38.. Love may be blind but marriage is areal eye-opener.

39.. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Panda

A panda bear walks into a bar, sits on a stool and starts munching on some peanuts. He finishes the bowl and pulls out a gun. He shoots the guy sitting beside him and starts to make for the door.

"Why'd you do that?!?" the bartender asks, stunned.

"Look 'panda' up in the encyclopedia." the bear answers as he walks out the door and starts down the street.

Puzzled, the bartender shakes his head and goes back to work. Later that night when the bartender gets home he looks in his encyclopedia and is startled by what he sees: "Panda - A wild animal that eats shoots and leaves"

Chicken Special

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

Pet Fish

A guy was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the guy, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The guy replied to the gamewarden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The guy looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now.

The guy poured the fish in to the river and stood by and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the guy and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the guy responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The guy asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The guy asked.

Directions

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. An elderly woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either!"

Conundrums

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he won't come!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Why did Helen Keller go insane?
She tried to read a stucco wall.
=======================================
Did you hear about the guy who gave narcotics to seagulls?
He left no tern unstoned.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Indian who drank 200 cups of tea?
He drowned in his TeePee!
-----------------------------------------------------------
A termite walks into a bar and asks:
"Is the bartender here?" ( think about it :)
---------------------------------------------------------------
How do you recognize a blonde at the airport?
She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Tribesman

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."

"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.

"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?

"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"

Hearing Aid

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder.

Screw

It's spring 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

Life in the Slow Lane

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

Rednesk Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"Fag."

Lovely Snow

Dear xxx,

We decided to stay up north this year for the holidays just to make you people from the warmer climates jealous!

December 8- 6:00 pm. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I sat for hours by the window with our hot chocolate watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9- We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12- The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor, Norm tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Norm says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Norm is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14- Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15- 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. Joanne wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16- Ice storm this morning. Fell on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. Joanne laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17- Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20- Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find neighbor kid to shovel, but they all say they're too busy snowmobiling or shoveling the ice off to play hockey. I don't believe them.

December 21- Called Menard's Home Depot and every hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. They all say they might have another shipment in March. I don't believe them. Norm says I have to shovel or our Community Association will have it done and bill me.

December 22- Norm was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the toilet. By the time I got undressed, went, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Norm who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I don't believe him.

December 23- Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. Joanne wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago.

December 24- 6" of snow. Packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that snowplow driver! I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight Joanne wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25- Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snow plow driver came by asking for a donation. I chased him away. The wife says I have a bad attitude. If I have to watch "Its a Wonderful Life" one more time...

December 26- Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -25. Still snowed in. Joanne is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Norm says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does Norm think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars because he says he fell on my sidewalk when I was chasing him. Joanne left - went to our daughter's house. Another 9" predicted for tonight.

December 31 - Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. Thinking about torching Norm's house too.

January 8 - I feel pretty good. Don't know why I'm tied to this bed. And who are those men in white coats?

Sincerely,

XXXX

(***Important note: The individuals in this letter are fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is strictly coincidental.)

It's tough getting old....

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J. C. Penney and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: "Well so why are you crying?"
She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."

I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
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