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Kenneth A. Larson has a quarter century of experience in design and construction of scenery for the Entertainment Industry and Theme Parks using Computer Aided and Traditional approaches to Design. Also experience in other areas of Design.
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Words are the primary means with which most of us communicate. Most words in the English language are not spell phonetically, yet we struggle to teach the "rules" to our children. Considering how fractured and distorted the English language can be at times, its sometimes a marvel that we do communicate with words at all. Here is an attempt to poke fun at words. I did not author most of these, I simply pass them along for your enjoyment.

Like most users of e-mail, I receive many humorous, thoughtful, or otherwise interesting e-mails. Once in a while, one really sticks out. I include some here. Since I don't know the source of most of these, I apologize for not giving proper credit. Feel free to let me know if you know the source of any of them.

The English Language
To Think About
Word Play
More Word Play
Even More Word Play

To Think About

  1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
  2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
  4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  5. I use to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  6. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  10. Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
  11. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  13. NyQuil- The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh-why-is-the-room spinning medicine.
  14. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  15. God must love stupid people; he made so many of them.
  16. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  17. It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
  18. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  19. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  20. Ever stop to think, and forgot to start again?
  21. To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
  22. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up!

------------ The English Language-----------------

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is coming or going!!!

More Word Play

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Where do you get virgin wool?
From ugly sheep.

Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book?
They all have phones.

What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce patch?
Seizure salad.

A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?"
The bartender says, "Once upon a time..."

Did you hear they found a new use for sheep in Alabama?
Wool.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Italians hate all witnesses.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "All right, I'll let you stay---but don't start nuthin."

Charlie Manson is sitting before the parole board.
He says, "Is it hot in here or am I crazy.

Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
Her husband was driving her buggy.

A guy is driving down the street. A cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, were you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The guy says, "Oh, thank God! I thought I went deaf."

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

What is the difference between a Jehovah Witness and a Yugo?
You can slam the door on a Jehovah Witness.

Even More Word Play

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.
Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.
Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.
Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.
Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with.
Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official.

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This page last updated: Sunday, 11-Aug-2013 00:26:24 PDT

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